I was dreaming about us-
you were only just there, behind my eyelids-
I’m only now losing the feel of your hair between my fingers
floating in the ocean,
no one and no thing but the war-cry of our radiant captor,
and us.
in the sky, I called the sun the moon
(you said the moon was the sun),
shining through each other and bobbing with our bodies and the tide
it could have been gulls I heard in the distance,
maybe memories,
perhaps fears I’ve forgotten
the water seemed a beautiful dark, reflected in your eyes
wild, mysterious
we pretended our lips were fish made for only the other’s,
we named each star in the sky,
called them curiosities, called them “Ra” and “mountain flower”
we floated there in your eyes, in the sea,
and laughed about the marriage of the sun and moon
no rain to cradle me with its cold, no legs to wrap mine around.
lousy country songs rattle through my mind,
crushing my eyes, pushing my ears through my teeth.
the train on it’s last trip,
no mcdonalds or sweet kisses for me.
the blinds hypnotize me, I hypnotize myself,
falling, hurtling through space oddly resembling my bedsheets
of course I can’t breathe straight or think without catching.
no landing without breakfast coming up,
let this rabbit in a hat head float until morning.
my streetlight replaced by a city and my silence drowned by the world
these seafoam walls shrink each hour of the night
each motor sound sounds in my ears more abrasive than the last
I want to write “FUCK IT” on the clean white closet doors
but I know I would wake to regret it.
I wore sweatpants in public today
the way the hot water feels cold for that split second before it burns you
the way a running tub sounds with ears underwater
like it’s stealing me to life and death
like it shoots straight through one ear to the other side
the way it takes me, the way it rescues.
I won’t mention that it’s the only way I know to calm down,
I won’t mention how much I need it,
I won’t say that it makes me feel alive.
when my music stops and each noise is louder and I savour my breaths,
I won’t say that I fear opening my eyes and breaking my world
I wish I was only dreaming I was back:
a lost girl, wearing cotton and curls
back in time with winter, with hell.
only a nightmare she can’t escape,
only a pain she might forget.
she might not have secrets that follow her,
alarming, cans for the newlyweds.
any secret burning out is only a memory for her,
it burns out like a flame, not her skin, not her soul.
her fear is a dream that might shift,
a candle, cat’s eyes, the stars.
you know those nights when you think you’re fine and then there’s a trigger and you fall back and you know you should sleep but you really can’t because that will just make it worse and the feelings are all too familiar?
ya.
fuck I should just try to sleep
hugging my knees like a child
I feel like one. scared and running from places in my mind
the pace tears at my body
so many things I want right now
too many things
the ocean, the stars, the river, the sun
your kiss
I’m so close to contentment
I feel something similar, familiar
I want to embrace it, undress it and run through the streets naked
I can’t let go of my knees
so many words
so little talent
failing hard
tough and simple must be happy
I could send my soul to sea unguarded
let it wash into this life
I could have wings, I could have two hearts
I could be the sea when I thought no one was looking
possess her as she would my soul, and be beauty
I could marry the night, I could fly to her side
crashing and roaring, I would be strong
when I feel a low creeping
I shut off my eyes
filter my ears
fake a smile and try to describe beauty
often I place my mind at sea, crashing waves, seagulls and seagulls and seagulls crying my name, the smell of sweet salt, the breeze a bit too cold, sun setting or rising
at times I look to the stars, find Orion who reminds me of home, imagine the space that separates him from me, undeniable and beautiful, a gorgeous mystery
sometimes it’s fire I remember, the secret hidden magic that haunts me when I need it to, warmth, love, a strange familiarity
in the winter, I remember summer
when I’m lonely, I remember not being alone
