November 2011
1 post
7 tags
to be woken by your breath
I was dreaming about us- you were only just there, behind my eyelids- I’m only now losing the feel of your hair between my fingers
floating in the ocean, no one and no thing but the war-cry of our radiant captor, and us. in the sky, I called the sun the moon (you said the moon was the sun), shining through each other and bobbing with our bodies and the tide
it could have been gulls I heard...
September 2011
2 posts
4 tags
I never sleep early on monday nights
no rain to cradle me with its cold, no legs to wrap mine around.
lousy country songs rattle through my mind,
crushing my eyes, pushing my ears through my teeth.
the train on it’s last trip,
no mcdonalds or sweet kisses for me.
the blinds hypnotize me, I hypnotize myself,
falling, hurtling through space oddly resembling my bedsheets
of course I can’t breathe straight or think...
4 tags
12:44 am non sequitur
my streetlight replaced by a city and my silence drowned by the world
these seafoam walls shrink each hour of the night
each motor sound sounds in my ears more abrasive than the last
I want to write “FUCK IT” on the clean white closet doors
but I know I would wake to regret it.
I wore sweatpants in public today
June 2011
8 posts
1 tag
gin and fresca work well together
the way the hot water feels cold for that split second before it burns you
the way a running tub sounds with ears underwater
like it’s stealing me to life and death
like it shoots straight through one ear to the other side
the way it takes me, the way it rescues.
I won’t mention that it’s the only way I know to calm down,
I won’t mention how much I need it,
I...
3 tags
I wish I was only dreaming I was back:
a lost girl, wearing cotton and curls
back in time with winter, with hell.
only a nightmare she can’t escape,
only a pain she might forget.
she might not have secrets that follow her,
alarming, cans for the newlyweds.
any secret burning out is only a memory for her,
it burns out like a flame, not her skin, not her soul.
her fear is a dream that...
1 tag
not a shitty poem
you know those nights when you think you’re fine and then there’s a trigger and you fall back and you know you should sleep but you really can’t because that will just make it worse and the feelings are all too familiar?
ya.
fuck I should just try to sleep
hugging my knees like a child
I feel like one. scared and running from places in my mind
the pace tears at my body
so many things I want right now
too many things
the ocean, the stars, the river, the sun
your kiss
I’m so close to contentment
I feel something similar, familiar
I want to embrace it, undress it and run through the streets naked
I can’t let go of my knees
1 tag
so many words
so little talent
failing hard
coulda woulda shoulda
tough and simple must be happy
I could send my soul to sea unguarded
let it wash into this life
I could have wings, I could have two hearts
I could be the sea when I thought no one was looking
possess her as she would my soul, and be beauty
I could marry the night, I could fly to her side
crashing and roaring, I would be strong
it doesn't work but I need something
when I feel a low creeping I shut off my eyes filter my ears fake a smile and try to describe beauty
often I place my mind at sea, crashing waves, seagulls and seagulls and seagulls crying my name, the smell of sweet salt, the breeze a bit too cold, sun setting or rising
at times I look to the stars, find Orion who reminds me of home, imagine the space that separates him from me, undeniable and...
1 tag
I just want to write about happy things
why is it so fucking god damn difficult
May 2011
7 posts
well this has no flow
I’ve been reliving so many memories,
I’ve barely lived this past week
just pretending to be here.
I still have that cut on my hand
but I guess it’s only been a week,
it feels far too long.
I checked you out while you got beer from the fridge,
I keep the image rolling through my mind
I remember it to forget how far away you are.
1 tag
I thought I was done with this,
with the sun was supposed to come relief,
I was allowed to live until next winter.
I keep fighting off the words telling me it’s me,
my fault,
I’m weaker than I thought.
I’ve been watching myself go through motions,
each day more sincere,
today I caught the most fake of smiles when I thought it was real.
I refuse to lose myself,
I will...
I'm not some crazy ice queen though, honest
my cold bed, cold heart,
are fine with this setup.
cold but comfortable,
lonely but good at being alone.
I’ve always liked my time
quiet, controlled, most importantly, mine.
the moon and the sea
she will see someday,
kill sadness and marry the Sea,
darling spastic Wind and crying gulls the only witnesses.
never sure of Her intentions, she’ll trust all the same
till death do us part
no woman has ever hurt her
no man has ever tried
she will know peace and joy,
no more salt water tears
through sickness and through health
no more blinded eyes
together they might travel the...
I'll fix this in the morninggg
pretty balloon boy, chasing daisies, dancing with the sun anchor tattoos, a heart for his mom
pretty balloon boy, running from my pencil he runs through the streets mad with lust, anger, hunger
pretty balloon boy, I watched him die, I watched balloons pop and fade
pretty balloon boy doesn’t know he’s died
pretty balloon boy with soft and sad eyes won’t tell me how he offed...
drowning
the tears are so easy to fall into
a beautiful lagoon, they promise love and safety
a fucking mirage, they make me breathe them in
skipper I can’t stand,
I threw the traitors overboard.
Ignorance stands before me, dressed for cocktails,
can I let him stay skipper?
Mystery swallowed me whole, soul first,
promised me youth with the waves,
promised me beauty with the stars.
skipper I need this
April 2011
7 posts
1 tag
too many questions
when the days get better, they get worse
nearly there
my legs strain as I reach for the ledge
I’ve lost words with identites
who was Fear, who was Sadness?
is this Hope or Freedom?
Torment was my master
where is He now? Still here? Masquerading with a smile?
Anguish I recognize, clouding thoughts and blurring movements
this pain in my neck, sore and constant
I crave cold poison sliding down my throat with millions surrounding me, wasted in Paris
crave freshly rolled cigarettes, right side out, inside out, impress the boys
the boys with their charm. their charm, booze and cigarettes
boys whose names I can forget the next morning, 5 roommates as a witness
no sleep
the fucking sky deceives me each night
lies to my face, taunts when I turn my back
I feel Orion welcome me, then leave me
stars, like birds of the night, mock me
spitting in my eyes with their ancient light
how can I compete with that
the air in my lungs feels stuffed
like a vapid windowless room
it sends vines through my head
probing each receptor for pain
slows down my heart and its heart
yanks at my eyelids to drown
it was raining
all I know how to do is cry
cry and fake a smile
everything else broken like a fragment of who I was
my subconscious showing itself to my skin
my soul has no water though
to allow my heart to rot like this
are the tears from my mind,
this thing telling me what I know and don’t,
and I weep for the ignorance my brain cannot accept?
1 tag
I'm vegetarian
Bacon in my soup floats like an inquisitor
who the hell are you
no life, opinions or backbone
without my words I lose myself but do it happily they tear me apart for the sake of self knowledge without my words I forget the monster I sacrifice naive innocence for poems from my soul
March 2011
5 posts
I miss the rotary saw in my stomach
the paperclip knives in my heart
and the manta rays in my head
they brought the sea to my face
now it’s gone
I used to weep for who I was
what I lost
now I’ve forgotten and I sleep with the monster
nightmares of
lost dogs, lost demons chasing me through unlit roads streetlights bashed by sinful youth the wind is so bitter the moon stuck in a grimace I am alone and weak to the asphalt
it's probably a metaphor
He lived in the ocean, feeding on bodies of sailors killed by their crew
He choked on fleeing souls and licked off their anchor tattoos, waited impatient for a confused child to drown, called to abused little girls for comfort
He takes lives like shots, in a row, their blood in his flaring veins, coursing, changing, crying to any god above
The souls would whisper through pain, pray to god there...
this monster tears at my life each day passes on auto each night is spent drowning
when I think it’s over, another wave crashes the sea I used to love spills out my eyes
1 tag
some stream of consciousness
I’m scared of a lot of things. I’m scared that I’m nothing. I’m scared that I have everything wrong. I’m scared that I’ll stop breathing. I’m scared that I’ll get used to living with depression and won’t have the strength to fight it. I’m scared that I’ll forget how it used to be and believe that everyone feels numb like me....
December 2010
3 posts
3 tags
I don`t want to censor myself
I want to pull this head off my shoulders so I can think
I pull at my hair, stiff my neck, it`s still not me
I want to cry louder, my brother`s next door
I can`t take it but can`t make it stop
I wish it was obvious, I wish it was constant
I fucking wish it was in my blood tests
I want to tear at my scalp and find my own brain
I don`t believe it`s in there anymore
2 tags
I sold my emotions for alliteration
this mayhem that I am makes me weep
my own words draw sweet tears
and abet the creature`s confusion
it`s like hands in my head, behind my eyes
grasp tight on my brain and scrape my eye sockets
I forget the hands are there for short times.
tears remind me, almost nightly, nearly daily
they shape my emotions and push out the water
my own lies to myself I never told
2 tags
my dreams torment me
I pour poison onto skulls in groups of three I act in a frenzy camera zooming in, zooming out I’m confused, crazed, and depressed I see children dying but my mind’s not my own one emotion I can’t control and the rest turn strange if this sadness isn’t me what else is a lie
I see writings about me, ending alone driving away everyone I love or thought I did I pour poison...
November 2010
4 posts
shouldn't be throwing all this negativity into the...
I often hate how depressed I sound when the words I write play out I often hate how I’ve found it easier to to search and shout than take off my shoes and smile
I hate how I might remember these years incorrectly, influenced by my words as filled with emptiness and unshed tears lost and unhappy without birds nesting or waking me each morning
sometimes I even hate my happiness for being...
like each bone and organ is foreign I’m lost in my own body lost in my own mind, my soul
I read my words search for meanings I’ve hidden search for something I am
I latch onto the sea I latch onto a bird an event or a season
so many times I’ve said “try” to write, to live to smile
so many times I’ve looked at myself and seen nothing I know this stranger
bland and burnt
can you read my words,
declare them bland and burnt,
understand my soul,
and not know it.
can you see all I am,
judge me for who I’m not,
carve out my future,
and watch it die.
can you hear my wants,
see me need,
watch my dreams,
and not believe them.
on the nearness of winter
light plays on a log from the creek underneath and startled, I look for bears, none to be seen the cold in my head makes it hard to think but my eyes still see the confusion I can’t speak. gnarled roots greet me, cold water calms me the ground, so beaten, should not be my friend but I ask it my words make no sense but neither does the season the leaves turn colours, die without reason winter...
October 2010
7 posts
oh well
I want to write about the falling leaves, cut by the wind, coloured like skin -burnt skin- compare them to eachother, to my lovers.
I’d like to make them my muse, capture one and watch it die.
and that's not bliss
sometimes I crave nicotine but that’s not it I know it’s more
I wish for nic, for waves, tattoos things reminding me of freedom I even wish for ignorance
phantom
the hands which showed me what to trace
the hollow eyes which blinded mine
the depressing phantom I once employed
whispering twists in my ear, smoothly equivocal
he spat in my eyes, told me they were tears
desperate for feeling I swallowed the lies.
this creature has left
with his weightless baggage and double edged tongue
blown with the leaves
sleepless
he spat in my eyes, told me they were tears called me a prize, called out my fears he cut my skin and asked me why
I call him a phantom so I sound less crazy
I give name to my doubt, give depression a motive, call myself out
he worries me most nights, leaves my bed sleepless
not so fond
the gray in the sky inspires doubt in my mind,
I turn over rocks searching for the answer I want
all I find are empty holes leading to more gray sky
I fall in
and float through space
answer some questions and accusations forming in the air
it is thick, hard to breath, hard to remember
too difficult to form answers, too clouded to recall
not even me
quarter to three and I feel crazier than usual
with coffee, with shoes, the appropriate smile
each move a lie to fellow coffee drinkers
they don’t know I love beer and barefeet
none of us know if this smile is real
I have no money
give me barefeet give me beer
give me freedom to believe liberty bell with meaning
give me waves that crash unhindered by mankind
give me honest words, informed, brutal, anything
give me world peace not peace through war
give me no expectations or all to live up to or not
give me an unlisted number let those who care find me
give me a love I’m sure of not materialism or loneliness
...
September 2010
6 posts
I feel like I shouldn't have to name this one
there were windows on the adjacent wall, next to booths booths like a fucking cheery restaurant tall, angular, and mostly transparent men fill the room, some women on the arms, hushed whisperers. a volcano was erupting in my arms, spreading to my hands poison running through my mind, streaming down my face there was a fireplace on the wall across glowing, licking, warmth on that summer day the...
I need to go back
each book, some with scrawled notes, some with no more than the owner’s name
seems so much richer with its age and experience
Yeats becomes more than a poet, he is a traveler, the collection of poems a message from one room to another
oh, to be sitting with jack kerouac
the clouds no longer pink I sit alone on the rocky shores, not cold or warm,
scanning for bears as streetlights grow and the river grows, brighter and louder,
a child calls from the distance, my mind imagines his death, a morbid thing,
the trees look more like black, the stones more like purple, once green and red
I have nowhere I wish to be so my body melts down through my feet,
keeping me...
far far too much wishing
I wish I could be more vulgar, surprise the world with my words, love the taboo, I wish the ripple of the water spooned words into my mouth, run off through my pen, I wish the coming dark and the shadows he brings didn’t frighten me, I wish the future, myself, didn’t scare me. I write to explain my soul so maybe someday I’ll read my words and understand
a selection from far too much rambling at stanley...
her beauty remains but it seems the west has tried to tame her, cage her I wish for rocky shores attacked by waves never halting instead I am greeted by kind laps, so friendly yet placid I wish for the seas of Italy at that time, I could remember mornings woken with passion, I could recall the smiles just yesterday but now, I see I seemed at a crossroads, or one just past, and no longer could I...
1 tag
the nightmares grow worse
if that’s what it’s called
when a feeling so strong
attacks
won’t leave
every time you close your eyes
if it wins when you fight
if now,
with eyes open
the feeling still lingers
and won’t be fought off