some stream of consciousness

I’m scared of a lot of things. I’m scared that I’m nothing. I’m scared that I have everything wrong. I’m scared that I’ll stop breathing. I’m scared that I’ll get used to living with depression and won’t have the strength to fight it. I’m scared that I’ll forget how it used to be and believe that everyone feels numb like me. I’m scared that I’ll never see anything as beautiful as Michelangelo’s David again. I’m scared that one day the tears won’t come back. I’m scared that I’m too selfish and too scared to fully love someone else. I’m scared that I have no talent. I’m scared that I’ll go through life just waiting for it to be over. I’m scared that I made a mistake when I left God. I’m scared that I’ll be too scared to admit I was wrong. I’m scared of unfamiliar situations. I’m scared by people more confident than myself. I’m scared of going to a school full of brilliant and beautiful people. I’m scared of living without parents. I’m scared I’ll run out of words. I’m scared I’ll go blind. I’m scared I’ll stop realizing how beautiful nature is. I’m scared the sea will leave me, irrational as it is. I’m scared of science. I’m scared someone will catch me with bad grammar. I’m scared that I’ll hurt others. I’m scared that I’ll hurt myself. I’m scared of confrontations. I’m scared of knives. I’m scared of exorcisms. I’m scared of being like everyone else. I’m scared of being boring. I’m scared of being old and saggy. I’m scared of not understanding future generations. I’m scared that I’m trying to become someone I’m not. I’m scared that I’ll forget the word “happy”. I’m scared that this is normal and I don’t know why. I’m scared of this feeling in my chest that still hasn’t left me. I’m scared of opening up to others. I’m scared to tell people my struggles and my feelings. I’m scared that this will hinder me in any future relationships. I’m scared that I’m too emotional when I write. I’m scared that my professors and blog followers will know too much about me. I’m scared that now that the tears have stopped I am feeling nothing. I’m scared that I am nothing.